There’s nothing Merry about it.

For the last few months since Kenzie’s passing, so many people have been telling me how strong and brave I am. I never saw it. I never felt it. Cause for me, my whole world stopped. My soul imploded. I felt and still do feel very dead inside. But for the first time since she passed, I looked at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, locked away from everyone with tears flowing down my face and thought “You are so strong…and I don’t know how you’re doing this.” All I want to do is crawl into a hole and cry and stay there and grieve my daughter. I don’t want to move. I don’t want to celebrate, I don’t want to entertain, I don’t want to stare sheepishly at “Merry” Christmas messages….because there’s nothing Merry about it. I just want my child. I don’t want to be on my phone, I don’t want to be on social media seeing all the family posts and kids enjoying their day. I don’t want none of it. But here I am. I have to. Because I promised my child something today. The only true gift that I can give her from here and I have to deliver. I have to show up when all I want to do is run.

Death ends a life, but not a relationship. #StillAMom

So with that. Kenzie, wherever you are, in whatever form. And whatever you’re doing. I hope you know that you are so loved and so missed. Mummy loves you beyond anyyy possible words or explanation. Merry Christmas to you baby. This one is for you. Your Book is finally here and done, and ready to be shared with the world. I hope you love it. I hope you’re proud and I’m so sorry I didn’t do it while you were here as I said I would. We always think we have time, when we don’t.