Burying my child is hands down the most unbelievable thing I’ve done. The morning of her funeral, I somehow managed to go to the funeral home, make sure everything was ok and she looked beautiful in her second dress, and drove her up to the church for the service and burial. I floated through the entire process. It didn’t feel real. Didn’t feel like I was there, and worse, it didn’t look like her, to me. In my mind, she was not going down in the earth. The last time I saw her, was right before her autopsy when her dad and I went to identify her body before they began. She looked so beautiful. Her hair was soft, her skin felt warm, her lips were pink again, and her mouth was slightly opened (just the way it was when she was in a great deep sleep). She looked like she was sleeping. After her autopsy and embalming, my baby was gone. The only thing that looked the same were her feet. When I looked down into the casket and saw those feet, I knew it was my baby.
It wasn’t until the end of the funeral, when the crowds backed away and the cameras were off that it hit me. She was there, in the earth. I laid by her Grave and wept. For the first time since she passed, I felt her sprit and presence. It felt like we were at home laying down, cuddled. Happy. Peaceful. The sun was scorching. The rain started to fall, and none of that mattered. Everyone for varying reasons were trying to get me up off the ground. But for me, if I could’ve stayed there forever…. I would have. I visited every chance I got, and when the flowers finally died, we cleared them away. Then cleaned it up. After that, I went to a nursery to buy the flowers I wanted to plant on her Grave. A nice gentleman and his wife were there. They were older. We picked out the best ones. He said something along the lines of this garden I’m doing is going to be beautiful..I paused, contemplating if I should tell him, and I managed to find the words to say, these are for my daughter’s grave. He sighed. He said he doesn’t know how to tell his wife. He asked to see Kenzie and sighed again. He expressed his condolences and I could just feel the pain and empathy in his words for me. When he told his wife, and showed her Kenzie, she cried. She walked to the far side of the plant nursery alone..just pacing, and crying. I left. Got some of the decor that I ordered, and the fence from Carters, and began working on Kenzie’s Garden. The place she’s laid to rest had to reflect her, in every way. This is how the garden came about. I pray to any parents reading this to never have to go through what we did. And if you did, my heart sincerely and in every way, goes out to you. If I could hug you, I would. So tightly. To Kenzie, I’m so sorry it came to this. You didn’t deserve to be gone so soon. You had so much to offer this world. Sigh. I pray that you’re happy, safe, loved, respected, well cared for and blessed. Anything less isn’t worthy.
Her grave shows a true reflection of her short time spent with us.