Pregnancy Loss

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[Brii]

First let me offer my condolences to you, I pray you find strength, comfort and peace with the memories you have of your sweet baby.

My situation is nowhere close to yours but a loss none the less. On August 11th 2021 at 24weeks pregnant, I went to my doctor for a follow up on another matter and asked them to check the baby as I wasn’t feeling as much movement. That day I heard those dreaded words “the baby doesn’t have a heartbeat”. My world was immediately shattered. How? Why? why ME? Up until 2 weeks ago my baby was perfectly fine. I made the decision to start the delivery process right away. So I went home, packed and went to the hospital. I was admitted right away and they started me on medication to induce labour. Two days later on the 13th I gave birth to a baby girl who was perfect. This experience was the hardest thing I have Ever been through (not labour, that was easy). I cried and cried I questioned God, and I cried some more. Both me and the baby were tested, and they found no reason why the lost occurred. “Its just one of those things” they said. I eventually started going to counseling and that helped tremendously. I am doing ok mentally now, even though I constantly think her and about what could I have done differently. Her due date is approaching and I don’t know how I’ll handle it, but I pray daily and ask for strength.

[Kenzie’s Mom]

Thank you Bri, and I am so sorry for your loss too. That had to be difficult experiencing that, and not having any answers makes it so much more difficult. Its hard regardless but not having an answer to the many whys is devastating. I’m so sorry you never got to watch your beautiful baby grow! Gone way too soon

[Nae]

I tried writing my story so many times here on this forum and just kept hitting backspace . I just cannot seem to identify my loss which now seems so small to one this huge. I remember the feeling I felt when I experienced a miscarriage ; I was numb. Just numb nothing else. I lost a child trying to grow inside of me yet still the pain is incomparable to the pain I felt the day I found out of Kenzie’s passing. So today I decided not to hit backspace anymore but to speak of the real loss. The loss that was gut wrenching, that I cannot begin to understand. If anyone had ever told me that the loss of someone else’s child would hurt as though it was my own I would’ve never believed them.  I remember after my miscarriage mentally saying to myself “I should be crying” but on the flip side , when zie died I remember thinking “why can’t I stop crying”. As the days go by I keep wondering , if this is how I feel, I cannot begin to imagine what you guys are feeling. My heart aches for you, her parents and anyone else who remain forever impacted by this loss.

[Kenzie’s Mom]

😞😞😞 Thank you for being there! I would never forget when she saw you and wouldn’t stop following you until you picked her up. Then she gave you a kiss. I never saw her do that before or after then. They always know. ❤️

[Iam1in4]

 

I wrote this to get some peace and it helped and I wanted to share it because someone’s story helped me.
I pray that all our angels are having a great time where they are and just know that Kenzies garden will bring healing so many broken hearted moms.

 

The journey of Justice

I cannot find the words to describe this pain I know a piece of my heart died with you.

This journey was different from my first .It was unplanned and spontaneous but when I heard your  heartbeat I knew you were all my family needed,being born into love; I was excited.

The day the doctor said “I see no movement and I don’t hear a heartbeat “it took the life out of me,literally;the life I had for 17 weeks.

I appreciated all the calls and the messages of comfort  but nothing no one said pierced me emotions .Only the Lord’s comfort would be able to help but that’s hard to so willingly call on as my faith was now on trial.

I can’t help to think what you would have looked like. I think of you everyday . Would you have had full eyes like your mummy or be dark and smooth like your daddy ? We would have given you all we have and I knew you would have loved it here .

You have now become a big part of my story and I have to be fair to myself and remember I am human.

Please don’t ask me how I am just know I am not the same Nakita. I find so much peace in writing my energy down on these papers ,it’s like I find who I am and they speak back to me .

 

I’ve experienced what is called a “missed miscarriage “ which simply means my body did not recognize the baby had died and so I kept having all the symptoms of a pregnant woman and I didn’t know until I had an ultrasound.

It was Thursday ,October 28th ,the day of my routine antenatal check up .We had to reschedule because Legaci tested positive for Covid the day before . I was feeling great just “moming” making sure Legaci was good and talking to her doctors and the Covid unit about her.

I went to the bathroom and when I wiped I saw light pink . My heart suddenly got heavy as I kept saying “no no no “ in my head . It’s like I knew something bad was about to happen. I returned to bed worried but not wanting to scare anyone . Minutes later ,I sent Dari a text and he tried to reassure me It isn’t always a bad sign and I shouldn’t worry but I was.

How am I to see a doctor today when I technically can’t leave home ?

After numerous calls I was allowed to go to accident and emergency . I had to go there alone because Darii had to stay with Legaci.

I drove there thinking the worst. As soon as I arrived I witnessed why I should seek private care and I was successful accommodated as an emergency by another doctors office but needed to wait 45minutes to be seen.

I continued to be worried but I was in no pain nor was I bleeding

The nurse took my vitals and they were all perfect .I was prepped for an ultrasound. The doctor turned the lights out and began the examination . “Your cervix looks perfect”he said as he continued to scan and then there were minutes of loud silence .It could have been 5 minutes or 15 I really don’t know .He kept scanning and I looked at the nurses face ,it told the entire story . I knew it! I knew the baby was gone. “I’ve been trying to find a heartbeat and see some movement but I see no movement and I don’t hear a heartbeat “. I swear I stopped breathing for a while .

When the light came in I couldn’t feel my heart . How is this even happening to me and why .I was so numb I didn’t even shed a tear.

I texted Darii and shared the news and he’s devastated. My mind went immediately to Legaci ,she was living ti be a big sister and I couldn’t muster the strength to tell her so I asked Darii to let her know before I got home.

So much was happening and it was information overload.

I was given an admission to ward B4 at the hospital for the following morning but I have so much fear for the hospital we explored every private option but was told that only hospital will accommodate because of my gestational age;I was 17weeks

The admission was smooth and the nurse were the absolute best . It’s like the Lord sent me a favor .

The doctor came around 6:00pm and inserted the first round of medication. It was to soften the cervix and allow me to labour “ naturally “ . The second dose was due 6 hours later and would continue like that for 24-48 hours until the baby had passed out.

12:48am I went to the bathroom and saw loads of fluid as of my water had broke .I went back to bed and received my second round.

It was around 4am I started having really bad contractions,all this time I wasn’t on any pain medication. The pain got really bad at 5:30 and I asked for pain medication. The nurse quickly attached them to my IV .I sat up to make a sanitary change as I was covered in blood and it was at 6:15 am I passed everything out and I saw my baby. So tiny but so perfect .

The drugs knocked me out for a minute but the pain stopped immediately when the baby came out ,well the physical pain but emotionally I was choking . I just wanted to go home .

Recovery went well and I was cleared to go home Saturday evening but I wasn’t ready . I needed to rest and absorb what really happened .

My phone was overloaded with messages and I didn’t want to read because that made it real and I knew the moment I saw Darii and Legaci I was going to crumble. I just needed a little more time .

It so happened my blood work came back low and I used that to stay the night .

Sunday ,I couldn’t wait to go home .I was missing my family. I meet to much heartbroken ladies I was even sad telling them goodbye .

It hurts a bit to walk and emotionally everyday has been different .

I know I will be okay I just will never be the same . To the baby I carried that’s now my Angel,you were here .We’ve picked your name and we will never forget you.

 

Mummy loves you forever Baby boy

 

Justice Henry Thierry Goddard 🙏🏽💙

[Kenzie’s Mom]

Nakita, I felt this in my soul. My heart goes out to you, Darii and Legaci. I remember being in the hospital a few days after Kenzie was born just for a quick check up for myself, and saw a mom who had lost a baby discharged and walking out. Her and her partner were just quiet. Empty. There was a blatant void you just couldn’t not see, as a Mom. Reading your story just now instantly gave a voice to that lady I saw that day. Along with so many others who don’t talk about it. Thank you so much for sharing! I love you guys! And Justice, if you see my Kenzie, I hope she gives you a big hug, and in your baby way, tell her that her mommy misses her so much 😣❤️ Sleep peacefully Angels

[Shanice]

Finally got the courage to share this, no one really knew what I went through as I kept it to myself and dealt with my broken heart.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 23 years old and was give until I turned 28 to have kids. I was not mentally ready to be a mum but I knew I wanted kids someday and now the clock was running against me.

I remember trying for years and nothing would happen, 3 months after my 27th birthday I was pregnant FINALLY. I was overjoyed, I was going to be a someone’s mom my world was complete.

I’ve blocked out the dates as it has been too much to bare and my therapist said it was part of my coping mechanism. I’ve constantly asked myself what I did wrong. I just remember going to the bathroom at work and seeing a light pink trace of blood. I thought the worst and as I sat on the toilet the tears started to flow, I slowly composed myself and left work.

My doctor was out of office so I went to the nearest doctor’s office to my workplace. I remember the doctor  saying there’s no heartbeat, my heart sank. The stomach cramps started from the moment, my baby was gone ?????? What did I do wrong ? 😔 why are you punishing me God ?  Don’t you think I’m deserving to be someone’s mum ?

I cried for months silently, there was no one that could really relate 😔

To my baby, mummy remembers you daily 💖

[Kenzie’s Mom]

Shanice, I am so sorry for your loss and equally sorry that you cried in silence and solitude for months feeling as though no one would understand. Then of course they’re the people who have no idea what you went through and throw the “oh you’re still young you can go again” in there. 

That feeling of completion (knowing you’re about to bring life into the world) is truly one of the best parts of the journey as a woman and a mother and to have it taken away definitely makes you question everything

When you get a chance, you can click on that highlight from my page. Hopefully there’s someone or something there you can relate to who also has Endometriosis.

I wish you all the love and light in the world 🫂❤️

[Trish]

Below I’ve shared a few words I wrote to my sweet baby while I was in hospital after my miscarriage.

To my sweet angel baby 💕

I lost you on wednesday the 20th January, 2021 and my heart broke. A piece of me left when you left me…the pain I felt physically when you slipped out of me was nothing compared to the pain of losing you so early. The day I found out I was pregnant was one of the happiest and craziest moments in your dad and I lives, we just couldn’t believe it! You were created from immense love and you were loved just the same. The pregnancy started with me thinking I lost you and I thought to myself I didnt even get a chance to get used to the idea of pregnancy. However, your dad was always positive that you were still there and I held to that faith no matter how scared I was. Then in the following days I received the amazing news on my first ultrasound that you were there developing even tho I couldn’t see you yet!!! I was so excited. Fast forward to our first private ob appointment and seeing you there as tiny as you were brought tears to my eyes! I looked at your dad right away, love bursting through me. The following days pregnancy symptoms hit but no matter how awful they were I knew it would all be worth it. Tuesday January 12th was our next ultrasound. Mommy had a bit of spotting so we went earlier than normal. I’m so glad we did, you were much bigger than before and I couldn’t take the excitement of knowing you were healthy and ok. Seeing your heart beating was one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen. I left that appointment in such high spirits, thoughts on the future of my growing family . I prayed for you every day and night. In my private moments I spoke sweet words to you, I sang to you, I wanted you to feel how much I loved you already. I enjoyed those moments at nights where dada rubbed my still small but growing belly and I would smile and go to sleep. I thought everything was going so great….little did I know. The fateful day came and as I began to feel the sharp pains I begged God to save you. I knew in my heart it was in vain but I would have done anything to save you. As the blood poured from me devastation and heartache filled me ….I went numb…I couldn’t think. Being in the labour ward and trying to accept the fact that I was losing you caused me to become delirious, I sobbed like never before. Then the worst pain hit me , I was alone, I wished dada was there to hold my hand. As i crawled to the bathroom I somehow knew this was it…I felt a gush and then relief. I looked down into the toilet and i immediately saw you , i broke down i couldn’t take it, I didn’t want this to be real. Dada and I saw you and we took comfort in that moment. Dada was my rock through it all and I have never appreciated someone more in my life…I love him so much. Baba we loved you and even though we weren’t able to hold you in our arms, we will always hold you in our hearts ❤ you will never be forgotten.

 

[Kenzie’s Mom]

This is completely devastating 😞💔  Please accept my sincerest condolences Trish. Losing a child no matter how is ever easy, but to meet her like that and under the worst circumstances is just absolutely heartbreaking.

Thank you for sharing your story and I know it will make others who’ve been through the same feel less alone and ashamed to speak out.

Sending you and Dada lots and lots of love and comfort and well wishes!

My hope for you is  that one day you will be all sitting as a family and telling her siblings about her and share the excitement and love you felt while carrying her. She will never ever be forgotten ❤️

[Shania]

I don’t usual write or talk much about this cause I want to remember my son birth/death in a positive light.

This was my first pregnancy and all my blood work and test came out great, I was have my best pregnancy life. I hard had to leave home cause of the pandemic and I was so happy and excited to bring my child in to this world. So on the day, Sunday after his original due I started to get contractions but they weren’t as in sync as they should be but my mother still told me to get ready to go to the hospital, I went up there and the nurse said I’m only dilated 1cm, a little disappointed but I was okay with that cause in my mind he would come eventually, the next morning, Monday and Tuesday the doctor came and check me and I was still 1cm, these contractions were so uncomfortable. Tuesday came and then they suggested that I get the catheter  put in the next day and I was like whatever it take to see my son. With the catheter in the contractions got worse like I could sit still, I would lay in the hospital and I wasn’t able to lay down properly, a nurse came and gave me panadols that really didn’t do anything but I was as still glad to take them. The nurse still told me that my contractions weren’t close enough. That same night of 25 August 2021, I realized that so orange liquid had come out and I didn’t really understand it as this was my first child, I went to the bathroom and I asked a girl to call the nurse for me and she reassured me that nothing was wrong, it’s normal that just blood, it was all over my sheets and they weren’t even changed but from the pain and i was rooting bout I could go to sleep and nurses passing and asking me why I ain’t going sleep and I’m just like y’all could see that I’m in pain why won’t you just leave me. I eventually got to sleep and I can clearly remember foreday morning the same night nurse came and check my vitals as they usually do and well as check on the my son and I assume that everything was okay. I trusted this lady because she is a nurse and I’m a first time mother. Later that day around 8am the doctors came to see and asked me how was I doing, checked my vitals again and his heartbeat and they looked concerned, I got a little worried, they close off the blinds and I also showed them the sheets and they were like that was the amniotic fluid. So by this time I am in full on panic mode and I don’t have family around me, first actually staying at the hospital. Like I was just panicking, the doctors left and called a morning shift nurse and I guess they didn’t tell her it was urgent. I got up start to pack up my things and get ready to go over to the labor ward but she tell me I can’t do that they first have to give me the stool softeners, I was so irritated but I complied and then she was checking for my son’s vitals and that was she was like I ain’t getting no movement and I was in pure shock. She asked me the last time I felt him move and I said last night before I went to bed and a little this morning she was moving him and around several time and she didn’t hear anything so we went over to labor and delivery and that was when my sister finally came and the senior doctor told me in fact there was no heartbeat. All I could do was cry and I remember praying so hard to God that he made a mistake and he would perform a miracle and that don’t happen all I was left with was a part of my heart missing. Shortly after that I delivered him and I stayed there with him for hours. They also wanted me to go back to the room with the mothers who had their healthy babies and my sister was not for that. Thank God cause that would’ve been a mess and I don’t even understand why that is a thing. My angel baby Shaydon Jayce Legacy  Campbell. It was an honor and privilege to be your mother and I still glad I got to spend 40 weeks and 4 days with you. I love you and I miss you dearly. 💙

[Kenzie’s Mom]

I’ve been struggling all day to find the words to respond to your story Shania, and I still can’t. Sorry doesn’t feel like enough. My heart hurts and cries out for all of the families who experience this type of loss. But to experience it the way you did, and at the finish line is just tough. I went to Kenzie’s Garden after reading about Shaydon and just stood there in silence. There’s so much I want to say.I just don’t know where to start 😞 If you’re seeing this, please reach out to me on the Ig page or email me contact@kenziesgarden.com

[Shar]

Been wanting to share in this space for so long & finally got the courage with support & permission from my sister ofcourse. Today is 2 days from what would have been Shaydon’s 2nd birthday 26.08.20, which I was handling well until seeing someone post about their baby’s milestones that i will admit did trigger me & brought on emotions & I ran straight to my notes.

 

I want to start by clarifying I’m not a Mom, but an Aunty to Shaydon Jayce Legacy Campbell.

 

Back in 2020 I use to joke & say that me & my sister was in her pregnancy journey together because we’ve always had a super close bond & during her pregnancy I even asked her to rearrange her bedroom so that she could put Shaydon’s baby crib closer to the door so I’d get to him before I got to her lol.  I couldn’t wait to meet my baby nephew, we were all so excited for his arrival however we weren’t prepared for his untimely death 💔 after 9 months of pregnancy without any issues we lost him due to negligence which I wouldn’t go into detail about.

 

Hopefully this isn’t too all over the place… I often try to hide my emotions & grief from my sister especially because the guilt of knowing I couldn’t do anything about this or I wasn’t allowed to be inside the room to comfort her through this traumatic experience along with not wanting to trigger her or contribute to her pain because of my own grief pains me. ☹️

I often say I am so grateful that I atleast got to hold him, even tho lifeless everything around me stopped & it felt so peaceful & angelic.. but yet so heartbreaking.. like I can’t explain it.

 

Throughout my life I experienced lost & grief before but this one was super different. He was just a precious baby, I could never recover from this, now I can’t even fathom the thought of bringing my own child into this world without worrying about what if the same thing happens to me?  How will I be happy for myself & not feel guilt about how my sister would feel because of her traumatic experience?

When I say it’s so hard to see others even that you are close to with babies, people downplay it, but it is hard, as soon as I see a baby especially newborn I go tru a spiral of different emotions from baby fever & happiness to guilt & sadness altho I am happy for others I always genuinely end up thinking shaydon would of looked so cute in that outfit or I wonder if shaydon would be calm or a cryer…  Now I refuse to hold newborns so that shaydon could always be the last newborn I held..

 

I still get sick to my stomach thinking about how my sister was forced to be alone for most of this experience due to covid restrictions, from contractions to having to go back to the ward & see all those mothers with their healthy, alive babies, imagine her not even being able to hear her baby cry for the first time, not knowing his eye colour, not being able to clean his first pamper, not getting to see if he had any birthmarks ugh… imagine how she feels that she got to see his angelic face but he didn’t get to see his mommy’s beautiful face cause I know how I feel is VERY pale in comparison to my sister.. “you never get over it, you only learn to live with it”

Shaniqua, I’m so sorry that you also had to experience loss, I appreciate your selflessness & empathy & thank you for creating this safe space for us to be vulnerable, because there really is strength in being vulnerable.

 

An update: We also kinda started a garden for shaydon at his gravesite but we want to start over as something (because hopefully not someone) broke Shaydon’s cross but we found some more stuff we can add once we receive the new cross so that we can cut the weeds and refresh it! But I will admit I have been putting off going to his gravesite for so long unfortunately, sometimes I just don’t want to relive those emotions.   But Thank you so much for the idea again & we will continue to keep you & your family in our prayers.  I don’t like the words “stay strong” because grief is exhausting so, stay soft.. ❤️

[Kenzie’s Mom]

I felt all of the emotions reading your posts. Shaydon would’ve been so blessed with you as an aunty. Thank you for sharing. The way you continue to honor him is tremendous. I wish I could hug both you and his Mom. I’ve been there but in a very different way. I cant imagine not having no memories of Kenzie at all. I have no words, just chills and a broken heart for you guys.

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