Reply To: Pregnancy Loss

[Shar]

Hi there, Shaydon’s Aunty here 😇

Today is 1 week and a few days short of Shaydon’s 3rd Heavenly Birthday and I couldn’t agree more that it literally does not get any better with time or we are not oh so “strong” for pushing ourselves to get up and go while grieving for the rest of our lives because life goes on unfortunately, we just literally day by day learning to live with what we had no control over and find ways to cope and adapt to each new phase of this journey.

I’m realizing with each year it’s like I unlock new layers grieving new ‘what could have beens’ and lots more ‘first’ we will never experience or have memories of.  This upcoming 3rd chapter the new layers for me are all the first we will never experience with 3 year old Shaydon, little things that I never even thought about before. — No first day of nursery/primary school jitters, no big boy school uniform, would he want a paw patrol backpack or Spider-Man ? would he be accepted into primary school at 3 or 4? Lol random right, no Terrible Three Tantrums, like would he have been a finger sucker like his mom?, no potty training fails, no pull ups and no first underwear and the list goes on.

I wish Shaydon could have meet his little cousin Azarija who is 10 months older than him, I bet they would have been like 2 peas in a pod..inseparable 🥹 but life can be so unfair and unpredictable.

Some days are better than some especially when I am busy and my mind is occupied and other days I’m a mess but I hide it well, it’s still difficult seeing babies, I still don’t want to hold new borns, I’m still learning to allow myself to be vulnerable sometimes and not feel embarrassed about my grief especially when it comes to social media, one thing Shaniqua encouraged me was to not feel weird or ashamed about posting anything about Shaydon on my social media,  for some reason I always use to overthink whenever I posted Shaydon on Whaysapp but by removing access to anyone or anything negative when it came to my grief and accepting that every once in a while it will be a way to cope & keep his name alive has helped a ton. And I am allowed to do just that! 🤍

Two of my favorite things currently are sunsets and rainbows. – Sunsets because they are beautiful and I once captured one where it looked like it could of been a sign from baby Shaydon🥹 (will try to upload image) but they are also a reminder for me that every ending is also a new beginning. – Rainbows because they are also beautiful but the feeling of pure, warm, child like joy I feel when I see one reminds me of that feeling when I held him and always leaves me with a smile on my face.

As the 2nd chapter of Shaydon’s legacy comes to a close and the 3rd chapter begins I just wanted to to share an update with you.  I can only hope that Shaydon, Kenzie and all the little ones we lost too soon meet up and always play in Heaven together.  I appreciate this safe space to share so much and as always instead of “staying strong”, stay soft cause grief if exhausting enough 🤍🫂🌈