Reply To: Pregnancy Loss

[Iam1in4]

 

I wrote this to get some peace and it helped and I wanted to share it because someone’s story helped me.
I pray that all our angels are having a great time where they are and just know that Kenzies garden will bring healing so many broken hearted moms.

 

The journey of Justice

I cannot find the words to describe this pain I know a piece of my heart died with you.

This journey was different from my first .It was unplanned and spontaneous but when I heard your  heartbeat I knew you were all my family needed,being born into love; I was excited.

The day the doctor said “I see no movement and I don’t hear a heartbeat “it took the life out of me,literally;the life I had for 17 weeks.

I appreciated all the calls and the messages of comfort  but nothing no one said pierced me emotions .Only the Lord’s comfort would be able to help but that’s hard to so willingly call on as my faith was now on trial.

I can’t help to think what you would have looked like. I think of you everyday . Would you have had full eyes like your mummy or be dark and smooth like your daddy ? We would have given you all we have and I knew you would have loved it here .

You have now become a big part of my story and I have to be fair to myself and remember I am human.

Please don’t ask me how I am just know I am not the same Nakita. I find so much peace in writing my energy down on these papers ,it’s like I find who I am and they speak back to me .

 

I’ve experienced what is called a “missed miscarriage “ which simply means my body did not recognize the baby had died and so I kept having all the symptoms of a pregnant woman and I didn’t know until I had an ultrasound.

It was Thursday ,October 28th ,the day of my routine antenatal check up .We had to reschedule because Legaci tested positive for Covid the day before . I was feeling great just “moming” making sure Legaci was good and talking to her doctors and the Covid unit about her.

I went to the bathroom and when I wiped I saw light pink . My heart suddenly got heavy as I kept saying “no no no “ in my head . It’s like I knew something bad was about to happen. I returned to bed worried but not wanting to scare anyone . Minutes later ,I sent Dari a text and he tried to reassure me It isn’t always a bad sign and I shouldn’t worry but I was.

How am I to see a doctor today when I technically can’t leave home ?

After numerous calls I was allowed to go to accident and emergency . I had to go there alone because Darii had to stay with Legaci.

I drove there thinking the worst. As soon as I arrived I witnessed why I should seek private care and I was successful accommodated as an emergency by another doctors office but needed to wait 45minutes to be seen.

I continued to be worried but I was in no pain nor was I bleeding

The nurse took my vitals and they were all perfect .I was prepped for an ultrasound. The doctor turned the lights out and began the examination . “Your cervix looks perfect”he said as he continued to scan and then there were minutes of loud silence .It could have been 5 minutes or 15 I really don’t know .He kept scanning and I looked at the nurses face ,it told the entire story . I knew it! I knew the baby was gone. “I’ve been trying to find a heartbeat and see some movement but I see no movement and I don’t hear a heartbeat “. I swear I stopped breathing for a while .

When the light came in I couldn’t feel my heart . How is this even happening to me and why .I was so numb I didn’t even shed a tear.

I texted Darii and shared the news and he’s devastated. My mind went immediately to Legaci ,she was living ti be a big sister and I couldn’t muster the strength to tell her so I asked Darii to let her know before I got home.

So much was happening and it was information overload.

I was given an admission to ward B4 at the hospital for the following morning but I have so much fear for the hospital we explored every private option but was told that only hospital will accommodate because of my gestational age;I was 17weeks

The admission was smooth and the nurse were the absolute best . It’s like the Lord sent me a favor .

The doctor came around 6:00pm and inserted the first round of medication. It was to soften the cervix and allow me to labour “ naturally “ . The second dose was due 6 hours later and would continue like that for 24-48 hours until the baby had passed out.

12:48am I went to the bathroom and saw loads of fluid as of my water had broke .I went back to bed and received my second round.

It was around 4am I started having really bad contractions,all this time I wasn’t on any pain medication. The pain got really bad at 5:30 and I asked for pain medication. The nurse quickly attached them to my IV .I sat up to make a sanitary change as I was covered in blood and it was at 6:15 am I passed everything out and I saw my baby. So tiny but so perfect .

The drugs knocked me out for a minute but the pain stopped immediately when the baby came out ,well the physical pain but emotionally I was choking . I just wanted to go home .

Recovery went well and I was cleared to go home Saturday evening but I wasn’t ready . I needed to rest and absorb what really happened .

My phone was overloaded with messages and I didn’t want to read because that made it real and I knew the moment I saw Darii and Legaci I was going to crumble. I just needed a little more time .

It so happened my blood work came back low and I used that to stay the night .

Sunday ,I couldn’t wait to go home .I was missing my family. I meet to much heartbroken ladies I was even sad telling them goodbye .

It hurts a bit to walk and emotionally everyday has been different .

I know I will be okay I just will never be the same . To the baby I carried that’s now my Angel,you were here .We’ve picked your name and we will never forget you.

 

Mummy loves you forever Baby boy

 

Justice Henry Thierry Goddard 🙏🏽💙