Going into the new year without Kenzie was devastating. And to top it off, my birthday was in January. And to make matters worse, I entered a new decade of life. Never did I think I would be doing it this way. I thought Christmas was bad, but my birthday was worse. I cried from the moment I opened my eyes. The first message I saw was from one of my younger cousins, and they didn’t even say anything triggering. Just a happy birthday and that they love me, and I lost it from there. I guess the reality of, I just woke up on my 30th birthday, without my child, and not in our home celebrating finally hit me.
I never wanted a day to be over so badly. Now we’re in February and I keep having these persistent thoughts about never knowing what she would’ve looked like. I guess it’s cause I keep seeing baby pictures of people and realizing how much different they look now as adults. The thought of never seeing my child grow is so daunting. I can’t explain it. I think about her all the time and what life with her now would’ve been like. And it’s a reality I will never experience. That pains me and pains me and pains me. I said it before and I’ll say it again, time doesn’t heal all wounds. Who feels it, knows it.