14 months and 6 days

Today marks 14 months and 6 days since you have been gone Zie. It really makes me aware that time is a construct because our time together felt like an eternity & this time apart flew by in the blink of an eye. Doesn’t make sense that I’m here or how I made it here.

Every day with you from the womb brought me joy, no matter how difficult. I’ve known you forever, my whole life… that’s how impactful you were and how effortlessly you fit into my life. It was almost as though you were there all along but only now manifested in human form.

Your god mother called me this morning saying that she’s been a bit down for the past few days and she realized what it was. It was because today’s the day you were gone for the same amount of time you were here. I’ve been dreading this day so bad. When you passed I read that it was one of the more horrible days for parents who lost babies, so I purposely did not want to know or acknowledge it. Who wants to think about that?

It makes it seem as though your time here was so fleeting. Which it was, but the imprint and impact you left is forever Kenzie. You mattered!!! You matter!!! No amount of time changes that. You’re forever my baby. You always were and you always will be. 

Today’s pregnancy & infant loss Remembrance Day. People all over the world are lighting candles for you guys. I don’t know where you guys are Zie. And what you’re doing. But I really hope you’re ok and joyous. It’s torture on this end without you. My heart hurts so bad. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake, I dream about you every night and you’re the last thing I think of when I lay. Really trying to cope here but I know my life will never be the same without you. This is an unfillable void. A permanent unfillable void. Sigh. I’m going to light this candle now. Work’s finally done. Yet another Saturday without you. Nothing to look forward to. All I want to do is buckle you in your car seat after a long day or see you running through the door. But that will never be again. What is this life. Sigh. 

I love you and miss you forever.