100 Days Without You

Today marks 100 days since you’ve been gone Kenzie. One hundred. I remember when one day was too much for me. The only time you ever left my side was to be by your Dad. And that was so hard for me. But I did it anyways because, your happiness, well-being and future, regardless of my feelings, were the only things that truly mattered. Now here we are…a year later, no you, no anything… I’m drained. Completely depleted. A shell. I feel like a walking crying corpse. I’m here in the flesh but everything else left with you the day you died….everything. This note below is from the first Saturday you left after we moved. And it was only a few hours you’d been gone. I felt sick… I am so sorry you had to go through that. The back and forth. Only having one of us at a time and not both like you were accustom to. Believe me, I wanted nothing more than for you to have your family whole and complete. You deserved that.

That was a few hours. Now imagine 100 days… And worse, 100 days of knowing that you are also never returning. It’s agony. There is no way that there’s a hell outside of this earth, because I feel like I’m living in it.

I dream of and think about you every single night when I finally close my eyes. And you’re the first thing on my mind when I open them. This morning I heard you singing and laughing, and then I woke up to the reality that you are no longer here. That’s how it goes every single day. I am so lost without you. So alone. So broken. I would give anything and everything to literally hold you again..I miss my girl. I miss your smell…your arm rubs…our silly car parties, watching you learn new things and look to me for approval, or the way you would shake your head to say no no if you knew you were doing something wrong. I miss your raspy little voice. The sound of you saying mum…our cuddles….TV time..I miss making you breakfast in the morning. Giving you a bath and getting on with our day.

I remember friends saying to me “You need a day for yourself to just let go feel like yourself again” a crazy assumption to make, because with you I was the most me I’ve ever been. The most alive, the most happy. It was everything else weighing me down. Never you. One told me too “You have to get her out the bed now or she will never want to leave” but none of it never applied…I loved having you around. I loved waking up to you. I loved doing anything with you. Taking you everywhere with me. And I’m so glad I did. You made this life worth living for me. You made me feel the sun. I was a better woman because of you. Finally at peace. Finally soaring. Though outside of you, every other part of my life seemed so up in the air, you were the thing that grounded me.

How did I make it here? To day 100 without you? Mummy is working on your legacy, tirelessly. I don’t want you to ever be forgotten. And truly, that’s been my only motivation. I look at your memories every day from the year before (2020). That keeps me going too. I watch and rewatch them throughout the day, but truthfully, nothing beats your presence. I need to be with you again my girl. Nothing, no one or no amount of time can ever replace you! It’s a cliche bunch of bs. You will always be my daughter. The fruit of my womb..”mummy favorite”. The best thing that’s ever been mine. I love you so much Kenzie 😔 and I really really really wish you were here.