1 year later

Yesterday was August 9th. That marked 1 year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,741 Hours, 524,519 Minutes, 31,471,193 Seconds without Kenzie. 1 full year since I lost my baby girl. I dreaded this day. I made no real plans. How do you acknowledge a day like that? I wanted to honor Kenzie of course, but doing her favorite things, doing readings of her book, anything fun, happy or enjoyable just seemed wrong. I was not punishing myself, but I definitely was not going to celebrate my child’s death in any way. That was the worst day of my life. All I knew, is that I wanted her to be remembered.

4 days before the day of her passing, I decided to create a flyer, asking persons to take a moment of silence on August 9th in memory of Kenzie. The caption to this post asked persons to remember her in their own way, to think of their favorite memory if they had any, or share their favorite picture or video or just simply think about her. I posted it the day before on August 8th and the support began then. Someone asked if there was a particular color to wear in her honor and I chose white. Someone else also said they went in the meadow by their house and saw a host of white butterflies and immediately thought about Kenzie. That was confirmation for me. White it was. 

Come August 9th, I felt the love and grief and sadness and condolences of an entire nation. Barbados rallied around us that day! I felt their pain for us, I felt them keeping Kenzie’s memory alive, missing her, wishing they knew her, I felt their tears. I expected support, but the amount in which we received it was astounding. Kenzie did that! The power of a tiny but mighty being. She will always be a giant in my eyes.

One or two persons gifted me with footage and photos of Kenzie I never saw. It was truly the most priceless thing someone could give me that day. 

For me the day was emotional as they come. I cried all day. I visited her grave, got a few visitors and eventually sat and went through some of her things. I got the sweetest gift which I believe was her… I found a vest that still smelled like her. Smell does not last long in clothing. To find something a year later that smelled like her was soooo priceless. That made my evening peaceful… or at least calmer than the world wind of the day I had.

August 9th was undoubtedly tough in 2021 when I lost Kenzie, and undoubtedly tough this year in 2022, it’s now fully sinking in that Kenzie is really gone.

But today on August 10th as I rose, there was a very airy feeling. The fact that I can no longer pick up my phone and see memories of Kenzie from 1 year ago… 1 year ago I lost her. I don’t have any memories…. And the ones I have are grief stricken. They’re all done. I think they got me through the first year. Waking up to see her every day made her feel real still and there and present. In a strange way, but it did. I don’t have that crutch anymore. It’s gone. There’s nothing left to see. I remember someone messaging me on Aug 8th saying I can post and repost her all the time because they still want to see her. But for me, I have nothing else to look forward to. And that was the strangest thing about waking up this morning. It’s 6:18am. Those one year ago on this day posts no longer exist. 

This is day 1 of a new journey for me. I hope to continue to make Kenzie proud until I die. I have so many plans for her legacy. But in my personal life and thoughts, I feel so empty. Robbed. Voided. 

I guess if you know, you know.